May 2006 Tournament Results:

Gentlemen,

He’s baaaaaaaaacckk! (Editor’s note: Yes, it’s true! For the first time this year, El Presidente Supremo Lame-o is back. We apologize. Not for his absence, but for his return.)

After three surgeries in the last five months, I haven’t written a tournament recap this entire year. I tried to explain to our Secretary/Treasurer, Tom Halley that I just wasn’t feeling funny since my first surgery in December.

So he turns to me and says, matter-of-factly, “Bill, nobody thinks your recaps are funny anyway. Just write the damn results!” (Lawyers have a way of cutting through the clutter.)

You’ll notice there are no pictures for this month’s tourney. This is due to the fact that our staff photographers, Robert Alt and Guillermo Wolf were not in attendance. Neither was back-up photographer, George Thibault, who was supposed to be there but woke up with a stiff neck and was unable to play. I tried to explain to him that at his age, he should be happy to wake up with a stiff ANYTHING. But, I fear that gave him little comfort. (Did I say little?)

Anyhow, on with the show. Let’s see who we can annoy this time around.

Oh, I know where to start … You know how we all hate Greg Huxman (or is it Roger)? Anyway, we can now all despise new member, Tim Satow. More on that later.

We also welcome new members, Phil Allen, Brad Richter, Fernando Leite , Carlos Wiegering and about a half a million Exquisitos, including Melvyn Fletcher, Salvadore Torralbas and past KBMGA officer, Roberto Incera. If I have forgotten anyone, please forgive me. We’ll abuse, er, rather, mention you next month.

And speaking of Carlos Wiegering, (Editor’s note: The following is a shameless commercial plug) … Dr. Wiegering is the BEST plastic and cosmetic surgeon in the history of the planet earth! (provided there are no other cosmetic surgeons in the association). His gentle touch and expertise is the reason for surgery #3 for me. It’s a much brighter world for me now and for that, I thank him very much.

Now on to the tournament results.

This month’s format was the Calloway System where certain hole scores are discarded based on your total score. (It just sounds more confusing than it is). And the winners are:

First Place, Low Gross: New member, Tim Satow who fired a 75 on his first time out as a member, beating Lee Smith by one stroke. O.k., now for the story on Tim …

Seems he’s a friend of Greg Huxman (go figure) and his recent team mate on the Mississippi State golf team (when did we start allowing professionals in?) So here’s the deal … He shows up in the morning, plunks down his membership money, shoots a 75, comes in for lunch and leaves with the first place prize money. (Thief!)

I restrain myself from giving him too much grief since he’s temporarily living with Roger and we feel that’s punishment enough for the young lad.

First Place, Low Net: Ken Forsyth had a 69 (did I say that right?). Actually the three net winners all had a score of 69 (that didn’t sound any better, did it?) and were decided by a matching of the score cards.

Second Place, Low Net: Phil Josephson (69)

Third Place, Low Net: Antonio Barreto (69), who unfortunately, yet honestly, recorded an 11 on the 10th hole.

Long Drive, hole #14: Tom Horst who tagged it 330 yards down the fairway according to the GPS (Global Positioning System).

Closest-to-the-pin winners:
Hole #6: Tom Horst who put it 13’ 1” from the pin according to the GPS (Giant Paced Steps).

Hole #12: Goes to rotten bastard, er, rather, new member Tim Satow who stuck it a mere 6’ 6” but had to settle for par (oh, darn). (Editor’s note: Hey Prez … I’d go easy on him if I were you (?) You haven’t even met the kid. He may be able to kick your ass(ociation!)

It’s good to have an editor who cares about you.

A few other comments, if I may.

Tom Horst wanted it to be known by all (at least he whined enough) that he shot a 78 with even par on the front and an 8 on #15.

Gino Delgado not only lost about 100 pounds, he also shaved a few strokes off his game. He came in with an 81. Nice shootin’ Tex.

Mariano Torres-Garcia played this month and carded a 97. That’s right, a 97. And this is the guy I lost to in the club championship A-Flight finals. (Alan Neufled, Randy Potter … we should all be ashamed). We’ll probably see him in the B Flight this year. Note to Mariano: I have your championship trophy in the locker at the clubhouse. I was going to give it to you but am now thinking of taking it back for a store credit.

Bobby Gusman takes my vote for the worst scorer I’ve ever met. There were only three of you guys scoring the tournament this month, Bobby, and the other two were Ken Forsyth and Phil Josephson. (You see a pattern here? Jeeze!)

To Ned Shandloff … Don’t worry, I’ll write the Jan-Apr tourney results soon so everyone can read about all your accomplishments so far this year.

Did I mention that George Thibault woke up stiff?

That should wrap it up for now. But first … what would the monthly recaps be without presenting this month’s newly created, yet highly coveted, “English is NOT our Unifying Language” award to Ken Forsyth, who stubbornly keeps writing down “Nett” instead of “Net” when scoring the tournaments for us.

Now, although we thank him for doing the scoring after the tournaments, (his math is WAY faster than mine), he insists on writing “Net” with two T’s, claiming it’s British. So I looked it up. And he’s right, it is British. But you know what, Ken? I also looked it up … and this ain’t Britain (or is it, Brittain?)

That’s right, we took your lovely language (English), bastardized it beyond recognition, renamed it “American” and now EVERYONE has to speak it (unless, of course, you live in Miami). It’s been I all the papers.

That’s it for now. I’ve gotta (that’s American, Ken) save some words for the Jan-Apr results. (Coming soon to a computer screen near you).

Sincerely,

Bill Hayes
El Presidente Americano Supremo Grande de la Monarchy